Tobie Wan Kanobie looses touch with 'the force'.

Today was a really shitty day. I came home from visiting Dad for Father's Day to find my wonder kitty Tobie Wan Kanobie in a really bad way. She was lying on the cold hard tiles of the verandah, eyes glazed and twitching. She'd had diarrhea and thrown up but couldn't move so had pooed all over herself. In her rush to get out of her kitty box ( a padded fabric covered box filled with a soft old angora sweater and Tshirt to snuggle into) she'd pulled all of the contents out and wet herself over them. The box was soaked in urine. She'd clearly had a sad and desperate time before collapsing. And I wasn't there to save her from it.

I pulled her collar off in case it was restricting her breathing, she began to yowl. I started screaming for Bear to help (he was putting the car away). I kept screaming her name and sobbing over and over as I patted her. Bear ran inside and got the name of an emergency vet clinic- about 30 minutes from home. He got her transport cage and I ran in to get a towel. He wrapped her up and started to put her into the box when he slipped on the tiles and fell onto the stones of the courtyard below. He'd dropped her into the cage in the process and avoided hurting her. He said he was OK but I could tell he was shaken. By now I had graduated to stroking her soft head and begging her to not die, please hang on. We got her into the car and I sat in the back with her to hold her head so it wouldn't bang against the cage. She yowled occasionally and I continued to sob and stroke her and croon to her and tell her over and over that we love her and she would get help soon. Sometimes she tried to get out of the cage so I tried to pick her up but she yowled again so I put her back in. I wish I had have held her all the way-she was cold from shock. But I didn't and I can't undo that now.

The trip was horrendous. Every slow Sunday driver possible was in front of us. We called Bear's parents in the car- I was sobbing loudly in the background while he told them what had happened and asked them to meet us there in case we needed money (we are broke at the moment- that's another story) we had enough for the $140 emergency consultation but not enough if she needed surgery. They told us to call Uncle because they couldn't get there. I dialed the number and sob-choked the story out. Uncle could barely understand me so I put him on speaker and handed it to Bear. He told him the story again while I wound up a good loud cry. I kept freezing every time I though she wasn't breathing. I was actually relieved when she yowled. Uncle gave us directions via a street directory then told me to call my Annette (Tobes' original Mum) to confirm Tobes' age, then my Mum so she could calm me down.

I called Mum and again tried to get the story out but ended up handing the phone to Bear again. By the time he got off the phone I was starting to throw up. I don't know if it was stress or the high BGL from all of the rubbish I'd eaten at Mums. We pulled over so I could do a thorough job of puking and find a placcie bag in case I needed to again. Tobes became more upset because I wasn't in the car with her so I jumped back in and didn't even bother with a seat belt.

After a trip into forever we got there. Bear just about stopped with squealing tyres and did a Uwie to get into the clinic. We had to wait to be buzzed in but we must have looked desperate because we got inside immediately. The nurse was asking a zillion questions- I answered as best as I could between sobs and hicoughs. They examined her while I tried to pat her into calmness and took her temperature in the usual uncomfortable way. She growled throatily at the vet which gave me some hope that she wasn't going down without a fight.

Mum and Dad turned up while they were looking at her and talking about options. We were shooed into the waiting room while they examined her. Uncle turned up ten minutes later. The vet was amused about a simple moggie having extended family in the waiting area. We waited two hours before we got any news. All of that time watching people and pets come and go was agonising. I wavered between silent tears and silent stoicism. Uncle tried to take our minds off our girl but tears kept sliding down my face even while laughing at his silly Uncle jokes. Mum and Dad left after half an hour because Dad wasn't feeling well.

When the vet finally came to talk to us he told us that basically they still don't know what caused it. Her blood glucose was low, her temp was down and liver function not normal. One kidney is enlarged but kidney function is normal. We have to take her to another hospital tomorrow for scans. They let me see her before I left. Somebody had written 'grumpy' on the cage because Bear had told them she's grumpy with everyone except me. I could only slide my fingers between the bars of her cage and rub her between the eyes. I leant down and asked her to fight for her life. She mewed softly, almost silently and blinked at me. Bear rubbed her too and so did Uncle then we had to go. Netty called as we were leaving the vet. I was feeling so drained-I tried to talk to her but am not sure if I made sense. She was kind and listened anyway but I had to go so I could talk to Uncle about paying tomorrow.

We've called the vet a couple of times, she seems to be making very slow progress but at least it's progress. It's almost 12:30 am now. I feel like calling again (it's a 24 hour service) but don't want to bother them- or be considered one of those cat people. But I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see her lying on those cold, cold tiles with her bedding out of reach or I see her lying on the table at the vets or shivering and shaking under the blanket in her cage, only able to blink at me, out of my reach except for one fingertip. I keep cursing myself for not getting home earlier or not noticing that she wasn't herself this morning in my rush out the door. Maybe she was sick the other night when she pooed next to the bed. Instead of putting her out to sleep in her box I should have tucked her back into her warm basket at the foot of our bed. I should have taken her to the local vet on Saturday.

I miss her all night purr - I don't think I can get to sleep without my goodnight trill and deep purr to send me off to dreamland.